A Memphis Tale in Two Parts, Part I: A Dog's Life

Woof, woof. Woof!
6:00am. Still night. I get out of bed, take out the earplugs, put on my headlamp, slowly open the  backdoor and step out into the cool, moist air. I grab the 'Stream Machine', dip it into the bucket and pull up the grip handle to fully fill the 2ft long tube with a quart of (mouthwash fortified) water. All this quickly, quietly. I walk over to the ladder at the property line fence, climb, preparing to quickly spot my enemy and discharge the entire contents at the hateful beast.

But as I reach the top, a middle aged woman's voice says: "Hello?". There standing just feet away is our neighbor, staring right at me.
"Hello", I say.
I gingerly descend the stair, put the 'Stream Machine' back on the bucket by the door, walk into the house, lay down in bed and stare up at the ceiling.
Fuck.
***
So it goes. Since we arrived here our neighbors dogs have been trying to make my life miserable. Three black little Scottish terriers: but one in particular (a young male, reckless, impulsive. Through the doggie door he runs out into the backyard whenever he pleases. Running this way and that. And barking! Barking at this, barking at that. But always barking! Sometimes an intermittent yip, sometimes a full on volley or two. Even a plaintive baying song.) One thing I know: he is my enemy, he must be destroyed.

Things have gotten quieter. In the last few weeks since I've acquired the 'Stream Machine'. A well made and effective weapon on the one hand. But up to the task? Not sure.

At first it was wonderful! The surprise attack! The 3 beastly hounds ran for the doggie door and crashed into each other trying to get inside. Oh joy (when I told m., she said this had been  the happiest she'd seen me since we arrived here). Again and again I repeated the attack! Within a few days there was peace and quiet hardly a woof. The bliss lasted for all of two weeks. I got lazy and stopped spraying! Then one day, the barking was back, and (like the vengeful bronchitis I had in college, when I spaced on taking the full regimen of the antibiotics) it was trouble.
I ran out to spray, but my wet volleys were now only marginally effective. The beast had grown bold! Sure he ran inside, but an hour later, a mere 30 minutes later, he was back at it: disturbing my peace! Now I was a slave to him, running out again and again to disgorge the now feeble seeming wet missiles!
O' FURY! No peace! The time had come...for Chemical Warfare. The plan simmering deep in my cortex, now took me by storm. To the bathroom! Under the sink, the cleaning supplies: detergent, ammonia, bleach. WAIT! DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD! Start small, then escalate...It worked in Nam. Look around: there! There it is: Mouthwash! Harmless...but irritating. Appropriate! Worth a try, I dare say.
***
How did it come to this? A brief background, a little context: Memphis is a city of dogs. When I go jogging, the barrage of barking coming from each yard is operatic, dynamic, symphonic. Dogs run out their yards, chase me down sidewalks, snapping at my heels! Driving through town, dogs in 2s and 3s are ambling across main streets, stopping traffic.
Why? People say it's for protection, there are lots of burglaries around, and dogs are known to scare away intruders. My friend Paco from back in Cali said it sounds like Mexico: it's a cultural thing, people have a different attitude about their animals. They let them run free. Pick up the doggy poop? Nah...
But I think the attitude toward dogs also characterizes Memphis as a whole. This city is unruly. It can't be disciplined like most major cities that are trying so hard to make a good impression. (Of course, officially, Memphis is trying too, but people's hearts aren't really into it, their just hunkering down, carving out their turf. "It's got problems, but it's home.") There's also a streak of anarchy and libertarianism here: each family takes responsibility for their own protection: where there's barking dogs, I'm sure guns aren't far away. Finally, I don't think making an impression is the first thing on most people's minds. (Despite the pressures to conform in places like Central Gardens).
Essentially here (at least in midtown) you can do whatever you please: essentially no-body cares. A whole city of a million people slipped through the cracks of American ambition! Memphians: is this true? Are we like our FedEx, a place on the map where good things pass through on their way to  or from more fruitful locales?
Here in the Bible belt where I would expect morality and conformity to have a more prominent public face? (Maybe it's more so in the suburbs?) So is this the protestant, grass roots religious realm where privacy and property are king? And each man answers only to his god?