Monday, November 22, 2010

A Memphis Tale in Two Parts, Part I: A Dog's Life

Woof, woof. Woof!
6:00am. Still night. I get out of bed, take out the earplugs, put on my headlamp, slowly open the  backdoor and step out into the cool, moist air. I grab the 'Stream Machine', dip it into the bucket and pull up the grip handle to fully fill the 2ft long tube with a quart of (mouthwash fortified) water. All this quickly, quietly. I walk over to the ladder at the property line fence, climb, preparing to quickly spot my enemy and discharge the entire contents at the hateful beast.
But as I reach the top, a middle aged woman's voice says: "Hello?". There standing just feet away is our neighbor, staring right at me.
"Hello", I say.
I gingerly descend the stair, put the 'Stream Machine' back on the bucket by the door, walk into the house, lay down in bed and stare up at the ceiling.
Fuck.
***
So it goes. Since we arrived here our neighbors dogs have been trying to make my life miserable. Three black little Scottish terriers: but one in particular (a young male, reckless, impulsive. Through the doggie door he runs out into the backyard whenever he pleases. Running this way and that. And barking! Barking at this, barking at that. But always barking! Sometimes an intermittent yip, sometimes a full on volley or two. Even a plaintive baying song.) One thing I know: he is my enemy, he must be destroyed.

Things have gotten quieter. In the last few weeks since I've acquired the 'Stream Machine'. A well made and effective weapon on the one hand. But up to the task? Not sure.

At first it was wonderful! The surprise attack! The 3 beastly hounds ran for the doggie door and crashed into each other trying to get inside. Oh joy (when I told m., she said this had been  the happiest she'd seen me since we arrived here). Again and again I repeated the attack! Within a few days there was peace and quiet hardly a woof. The bliss lasted for all of two weeks. I got lazy and stopped spraying! Then one day, the barking was back, and (like the vengeful bronchitis I had in college, when I spaced on taking the full regimen of the antibiotics) it was trouble.
I ran out to spray, but my wet volleys were now only marginally effective. The beast had grown bold! Sure he ran inside, but an hour later, a mere 30 minutes later, he was back at it: disturbing my peace! Now I was a slave to him, running out again and again to disgorge the now feeble seeming wet missiles!
O' FURY! No peace! The time had come...for Chemical Warfare. The plan simmering deep in my cortex, now took me by storm. To the bathroom! Under the sink, the cleaning supplies: detergent, ammonia, bleach. WAIT! DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD! Start small, then escalate...It worked in Nam. Look around: there! There it is: Mouthwash! Harmless...but irritating. Appropriate! Worth a try, I dare say.
***
How did it come to this? A brief background, a little context: Memphis is a city of dogs. When I go jogging, the barrage of barking coming from each yard is operatic, dynamic, symphonic. Dogs run out their yards, chase me down sidewalks, snapping at my heels! Driving through town, dogs in 2s and 3s are ambling across main streets, stopping traffic.
Why? People say it's for protection, there are lots of burglaries around, and dogs are known to scare away intruders. My friend Paco from back in Cali said it sounds like Mexico: it's a cultural thing, people have a different attitude about their animals. They let them run free. Pick up the doggy poop? Nah...
But I think the attitude toward dogs also characterizes Memphis as a whole. This city is unruly. It can't be disciplined like most major cities that are trying so hard to make a good impression. (Of course, officially, Memphis is trying too, but people's hearts aren't really into it, their just hunkering down, carving out their turf. "It's got problems, but it's home.") There's also a streak of anarchy and libertarianism here: each family takes responsibility for their own protection: where there's barking dogs, I'm sure guns aren't far away. Finally, I don't think making an impression is the first thing on most people's minds. (Despite the pressures to conform in places like Central Gardens).
Essentially here (at least in midtown) you can do whatever you please: essentially no-body cares. A whole city of a million people slipped through the cracks of American ambition! Memphians: is this true? Are we like our FedEx, a place on the map where good things pass through on their way to  or from more fruitful locales?
Here in the Bible belt where I would expect morality and conformity to have a more prominent public face? (Maybe it's more so in the suburbs?) So is this the protestant, grass roots religious realm where privacy and property are king? And each man answers only to his god?

6 comments:

  1. Wow, I like all the thought you've put into explaining the dog culture here. I know we've talked about this, but one of the first things I also noticed about Memphis was all the fucking dogs everywhere. I chalked it up to protection as well, but I hadn't really considered the "culture" aspect of it. I like the idea of describing Memphis as "unruly." It is definitely a city that doesn't seem to give much of a shit what people think.

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  2. Thanks for the comments guys! I try to be funny...and thoughtful! I backed off of the mouthwash, I'm just not that cold. Anyway, maybe it's been cold and rainy which has meant no barking! Seriously, I don't think mouthwash spray would be considered 'acceptable' here, but probably not as criminal as in the bay area. Anyway, I'm going to check out those reviews on amazon now...and maybe add one of my own!

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  3. You should take a look at the ultrasonic dog barking devices at Petco, etc. A dog barks and gets zinged with an ultrasonic blast of sound. I have friends that have used them to quiet a neighbor's dogs.

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  4. Jim- I tried that! We got two of them, different brands, no good. The dogs started to howl when the thing went off! ( I also tried talking to the neighbor numerous times. When I told her the dogs wake us up, she said, "Yeah, they wake me up too".)

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  5. You know, Myth Busters did a thing on tasers a while back, where they tried to make a water taser. The only one it kinda worked with is, it just so happens, your water cannon thing. Just sayin'. I love terriers, but they can be fucking annoying if they aren't trained.

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  6. Hey Ted- Are you trying to get me to hook an electric current up to my water cannon! "That's against the law!" Actually, don't think I need anything stronger: today it was like 30degrees, so the blast of water must've been shock enough!

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